I've been on the outs, more or less, with my brother for over a year. I simply don't know how to deal with the situation. In recent years he's done things I am not happy with - but I can not say anything about them. Not without starting a fight. (Being a card-carrying WASP I really hate fights.) This reflects the fact that, in our relationship, he has rescinded my permission to speak openly. It used to be that, as his older sister, I had quite a lot of leeway in what I could say. But no longer.
I don't mean that he has openly said, "Don't speak to me of X." Instead, it's just clear that there are areas in his life, in his actions, that I can not speak about. I think of this in terms of permissions - that in any relationship, there are implicit permissions (or lack of permissions) that determine the patterns of communication, the areas of silence. Sometimes that required silence verges on complicity - and that can be a real problem - when does my integrity demand that I speak up? This is all a different topic however. Enough to say for now that there are many things I can't speak of - and I'm not comfortable with it.
I've taken refuge largely in silence. There has been some contact between us, but not much - not from either side. It's certainly not that we're not speaking - but I guess it would be accurate to say we're not communicating.
A few months ago my housemate was diagnosed with a serious, but treatable, illness. Once we had a pretty clear idea of the medical situation, we told most of our immediate friends and family. But I didn't tell my brother. He of course has not so much as asked how I am in any conversation (real or electronic) over the past months - I would have mentioned it if he had.
But in the last few days something has shifted. I've noticed a sort of meanness in my reticence. It's possible that, not knowing of the difficulties of our situation, my brother may expect things of me that I'm not able to offer at the moment. Unaware of the reason behind this, he might blame me, or think badly of me. And some part of me would almost like this to happen - because he would be wrong, and I would be in the right - unfairly blamed, etc. etc. This is a subtle failure in compassion - a willingness to rejoice in the errors of others - errors which I have in fact encouraged. It's subtle, but corrosive - serious.
To take it a step further - to tell him of the situation gives him a chance to strengthen his own compassion, to feel empathy. While it may come to nothing, it's something I need to do.
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