On Trying To Be Buddhist

No News is Good News

At the end of September, I canceled our subscription to the local paper.  As noted in my last entry, I did miss it at first - both the paper itself and the distraction it provided.  But very soon after that, I really began to appreciate having more time, and less angst in the morning.  I'm getting more done - though not the sitting I intended to use the time for.  Instead I'm wrapped up in an effort to organize my life, set goals, get more disciplined and efficient.  (For reports on progress or lack of same, you can read my other blog if you'd like.) In addition, I'm coming to the conclusion that spending time trying to understand American (and other nations') politics is a lost cause for me. 

For several years I've thought a lot about my responsibility - especially as a Buddhist - to understand what is going on in our government, in world affairs, etc., take a position, and act on it.  But I seem hopelessly inept at this.  It has happened many times that, after reflecting on some issue for awhile, reading, finding TV specials on the topic, I get an impression that seems reasonable and draw some hesitant conclusions.  Then later I find some other information - in a paper, an internet site, another TV interview - that completely undercuts that view; and it too is entirely reasonable and pretty convincing.  End result: I just plain don't know what to think. Though I do trust my over-all view (the Iraq war is insane, students aren't being taught how to think, global warming and evolution are both real, the next generations are going to pay in blood for what we're doing) the details, the subtle causes, the solutions, the possibilities, are all obscure to me. 

One response would be to put in the time necessary to research and study each of these issues.  I could form and test out theories, and so on.  But I'm far closer to the end of my life than the beginning - and I find myself saying, about these issues, and many other potential interests, "Not in this lifetime."  The ultimate triage.

So I'm in the process of disengaging - canceling the newspaper is one sign of this process.  However, this is not giving up, quitting the field, as it were.  My purpose is to discern more clearly what I can do, and find the time and energy to do it.

News Break

Wednesday morning I canceled our newspaper subscription.  In fact, it hadn't been delivered the two days before that, so I had sort of a running start.  During those days I really felt very peaceful not-reading the paper - and that tipped the balance.  We'd been considering canceling it - so now was the time.  Yet this morning there I am, missing my morning amusement - or distraction.  I even thought of turning on the TV for some news. 

What I will miss especially is the local news - for it is a very local paper.  But there has been, lately, a shadow side to even that: awareness of how quickly much of what is wonderful here is passing.  Bland modular houses stand where just a year ago there were woods; serious car crashes are increasing with increasing traffic (and bad tempers;) and so on.  When I moved here (and I guess I'm one of the culprits too) it seemed idyllic.  Now, less so.  Samsara is samsara - big surprise. 

Will it help me to focus less on news?   Do I have the discipline to use the time for something better?

Distraction Again

I want to write something - and I have a lot of tasks to do - and I am resisting them all.  Not to think, but to be distracted - not a goal, not an intention, but a very strong desire (and perhaps my biggest weakness.) 

Last night I was thinking about how distraction is one of the strongest marks of our culture.  We work - of necessity, most of us.  And then when we aren't working, or sleeping, or engaged in some of those enticing but brief activities of eating and sex, we distract ourselves.  What are most of our recreations but distractions?  Movies, sports, music, and basically meaningless communication - what substance is there in any of these?   Ok - I know that some books, some films, some pieces of music are meaningful.  They yield some insight into life, our understanding of the world, or each other.  People do think - and a great many are aware, even if in an inarticualte fashion, of an inner urge to understand, to know.....

Nevertheless distractions dominate a great deal of people's awareness.  More and more, people are connected, in one way or another - cell phones, iPods, and such.  Something is happening continuously that makes solitary thought unnecessary. 

When we lost power a month or so ago in a wind storm, I had an emergency light to read by.  And I did read, feeling all the while as uncomfortable as a person trying to sleep on sand.  Why didn't I just meditate?  That's important to me.  In theory. 

Distraction Followup

[Written Tuesday, July 5th] Last night went well - I did do the exercise I wanted to do, and then I did a sort of night-time wrap-up meditation.  Awhile back, a fellow student mentioned her practice of Vajrasattva mantra at the end of the day to purify all the day's mistakes.  This is a fine way to end the day - especially when I add in the fact that my teacher asked us to say at least one hundred such mantra per day.  So my first purification must be in part for the years I've failed to honor that request! 

After the mantra I recited the Zang Cho Mon Lam (Samantabhadra's Aspiration to Noble Deeds) - which I love more each time I say it.  As usual, I recited it in English - the better to allow the meaning to seep into my mind.  (Here's a pointer to the best English translation I've found.)  More on this prayer later. 

Then I emptied the altar cups, and went to bed.

This was a great way to end the day - I felt so much more relaxed than usual. 

[Follow-up on Wednesday]  Well - I cranked myself up to following the same routine last night as on Monday night. Again it was a fine way to end the day.  But I find that all things fade - and pretty damned quickly too.  So - will I manage to keep this up for the rest of the week? 

Choosing Distraction

When there is a moment to write, I run into a major problem.  Or if there is time to sit, time for anything.  The problem - a sort of boredom - boredom to the point of nausea.  Rather than write, I play solitaire.  (Some Buddhist - some overgrown, unused  path I'm on!) I've been trying to persuade myself at least to stop and look at what I am feeling.  Just relax, and be attentive to that feeling that moves me into distraction rather than anything more worthwhile. 

When I do any of the things I avoid, it feels good.  Well, not all the time.  But frequently I'm glad I went ahead.  So why do I usually do the reverse?

At the moment, with what little is left of this evening, I want to exercise a bit - I really need to do that; I want to do some meditating; and I've been working on an email to send to one of the Yahoo lists I'm on.  It's that last item that is the big problem. The post I've been working on is a combination of difficult, beyond my ability, and boring - all three.  It makes me want to throw up.  It's also the one thing I'm working on that really has little to do with the tasks I need to complete.  So why do I continue at all?  Ok.  I just saved it as a draft, and I'll try moving on.  Tomorrow I can go back to it - can it for good or perhaps respond with less effort, and to better effect.  Maybe tonight I can get done the things I really want to do.